Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 28, 2020
Observe: In the present day’s assembly of the deep state has been moved from 10am to 1pm as a result of Pam is double-booked and her Pilates teacher says her minivan will probably be set on fireplace if she reveals up even a minute late. Additionally don’t overlook we’re utilizing the auxiliary bunker till we will work out tips on how to do away with the cat pee odor in the primary one. (As if must be mentioned: dangerous Fluffy, dangerous.) —Chet
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Brexit: three
Days ‘til Madison Winter Fest in Wisconsin: four
Measurement of the “Mountain of Proof” the Home Impeachment Managers Delivered to the Senate: 28,578 pages
Public approval of Trump’s impeachment within the newest ABC Information-WaPost ballot: 52%
Public approval of Invoice Clinton’s impeachment at the moment in 1998, per ABC Information-WaPost polling: 40%
% likelihood that, total, Sanders supporters dislike Biden and Warren greater than Biden and Warren helps dislike Sanders, based on Politico-Morning Seek the advice of polling: 100%
% increase in shopper confidence after Trump and China signed no matter bullshit commerce settlement they only signed, based on he identical ballot: zero%
Pet Pic of the Day: #WheeliePup…..saved!!!
BOOM! to the Sunday Night time Bloodbath. Senate Republicans thought the impeachment trial of President Trump was over and executed—all that remained was operating out the clock and voting to acquit him in time for a triumphant State of the Union deal with. In order that they went to mattress Sunday evening with sugar plums and joyful visions of everlasting one-party rule dancing of their heads. After which, out of the fog and the mist appeared………………..their worst nightmare:
[T]he President ordered former nationwide safety adviser John Bolton to maintain navy assist to Ukraine frozen in a bid to coerce political favors.
The revelation, first reported by the New York Occasions, heaped new stress on a handful of Republican senators who could also be excited by listening to testimony from Bolton and different witnesses in a course of that might considerably delay Trump’s hopes for a swift acquittal as quickly as this week. […]
[A] draft manuscript for Bolton’s yet-to-be printed ebook reveals that he was advised by Trump to take care of a maintain on navy assist till officers in Ukraine opened investigations into…Joe Biden.
So, have some other reporters had an opportunity to gaze upon the Holy Grail of bombshells moreover the New York Occasions? Oh sure. Top-of-the-line. John Nichols at The Nation:
HereÃ¢ÂÂs my evaluation of John BoltonÃ¢ÂÂs ebook: Donald Trump did every thing he was impeached for.
He’s as responsible as sin. #Bolton ought to testify earlier than the Senate. Then, recognizing the clear and current hazard posed by this president, the Senate ought to vote to take away Trump from workplace. pic.twitter.com/QpsOawIw37
Ã¢ÂÂ John Nichols (@NicholsUprising) January 27, 2020
What else is there to say? Blissful yr of the rat, everybody!
CHEERS to the tick tick tick of the countdown clock. Lower than every week to go earlier than Iowans and their sled canine groups trudge off into the frozen tundra to take their locations in gymnasiums all throughout the state to decide on the Democrat they wish to be president. Here is a fast replace on the candidates:
Sanders: “I am main within the polls!”
Biden: “Decelerate, cowboy. You are tied within the polls. With me.”
Klobuchar: “Dang blast it, I needs to be main within the polls!”
A reminder of what Iowa will appear like one minute after the caucus winner is introduced and all of the candidates and media flee into New Hampshire’s loving arms.
Buttigieg: “You ever seen a homosexual candidate on the offensive? It seems like this: Meow Hisssss!!!”
Warren: Des Moines Register endorsement is within the bag!
Bloomberg: “I am 100% for farms. Cubicle farms, that’s! Ha ha ha.”
John Delaney: “You Iowans higher not have been pranking me if you mentioned you’d vote for me if I ate 500 kilos of corn canines in thirty days. Cuz I did.”
Andrew Yang: “Did you folks not hear me? I mentioned I WILL PAY YOU A THOUSAND BUCKS A MONTH. ONE….THOUSAND…CASH. Howdy???”
Tulsi Gabbard: “How do you folks…..urggnnnghh….pound in yard indicators….arrghhrh….when your floor is frozen…urgghhrl…strong?!!”
And ready within the wings to spring his lure and win all of it within the upset of the millennium: Deez Nuts. Watch…and study.
JEERS to untimely descents. On January 28, 1986—good lord, 34 years in the past—the House Shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff, killing all seven crew members, together with civilian instructor Christa McAuliffe. I am guessing that when you had been greater than toddler-age, you bear in mind precisely the place you had been if you heard about it. I used to be within the Otterbein School (Westerville, Ohio) campus heart at 11:38am, and may nonetheless conjure up the queasy feeling that set in once I realized what had occurred. A surprised crowd of scholars and college gathered across the big-screen TV and simply…watched. Lest we overlook these had been the heroes on board that day:
Trainer-in-House Christa McAuliffe and astronauts Gregory Jarvis, Judith Resnik, Mission Commander Dick Scobee, astronaut Ronald McNair, pilot Mike Smith, and astronaut Ellison Onizuka.
In the present day people from the Challenger Middle and elsewhere, together with relations of the crew, will commemorate the tragedy, starkly reminding the world that it takes off-the-charts braveness, brains and talent to place your self by way of the trials of area flight. Which just about explains why I weblog for a dwelling.
JEERS to creepy crawlies with evil on their minds. In the event you appreciated ebola, you may looooove the coronavirus. Sure, people, nature’s microscopic stormtroopers are spreading illness, loss of life and worry as they infect their solution to infamy. Fortunately the Trump administration hasn’t gutted the CDC fully, so they’re really on the case:
» There’s an ongoing outbreak of respiratory sickness first recognized in Wuhan, China, attributable to a novel (new) coronavirus.
There’s no proof that consuming these will assist combat off the coronavirus. But it surely won’t harm.
» Individual-to-person unfold is going on. Different elements of China have additionally reported instances.
» Older adults and folks with underlying well being circumstances could also be at elevated danger for extreme illness.
» The scenario is evolving. This discover will probably be up to date as extra info turns into accessible.
Coronaviruses are a big household of viruses. There are a number of identified coronaviruses that infect folks and normally solely trigger gentle respiratory illness, such because the widespread chilly. Nonetheless, at the least two beforehand recognized coronaviruses have brought about extreme illness.
A very powerful factor, based on the CDC, is that “vacationers keep away from non-essential journey to Hubei Province, China, together with Wuhan.” As well as, C&J recommends that you just duct-tape all your neighbors’ home windows and doorways so if they’ve the virus they cannot unfold it to you. Higher seal their chimneys good and tight, too. Let’s not take probabilities.
JEERS to Father Mailboxes And so on. Go away it to the merry band of perv clergymen to seek out new and creepy methods to torture youngsters within the identify of Jeezus. This man’s taking the quick elevator downstairs when his ticker lastly, blessedly, quits on him:
[Rev. Brian] Stanley was accused of wrapping a boy in bubble wrap and tape in 2013 in a janitor’s room at St. Margaret Church. The boy’s eyes and mouth had been additionally lined whereas he was left alone for an hour, based on the lawyer normal’s workplace. Stanley was speculated to be counseling the boy.
That’s a reasonably warped definition of counseling. He acquired 60 days in jail, which appears terrible lenient to me. However at the least, consider it or not, there could also be a silver lining to this story. I feel we simply found out tips on how to replace the priestly vestments world wide to determine the pervs: The ACME 100% Bubble Wrap God Girdle. Their slogan virtually writes itself: “In the event you hear a pop…name a cop.”
P.S. They sentenced the asshole on Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. Properly performed, Decide.
CHEERS to the primary ringy-dingy. On January 28, 1878, the business phone switchboard made its nationwide debut in New Haven, Connecticut. The primary prospects had been Amanda Hugginkiss, I.P. Freely and Seymour Butz. We hear the primary operator lasted a complete 5 minutes.
Ten years in the past in C&J: January 28, 2010
CHEERS to royal sights. This will probably be fairly the spectacle: Queen Elizabeth will ship an deal with to the United Nations Normal Meeting this summer season. One small programming be aware: if Muammar Gadaffi is not executed with the speech he began delivering there final November, the Queen will communicate from the seventh Ground break room.
And only one extra…
JEERS to damaged guarantees. Keep in mind when President Obama beginning holding these actually cool science gala’s on the White Home that allowed the entire world to see the ingenuity and creativity of America’s physicists, chemists, biologists, and engineers of tomorrow? Keep in mind how excited everybody was three years in the past when the Trump administration mentioned they had been completely, positively going to proceed the custom? Yeah, effectively, right here’s one thing else so that you can bear in mind: they reneged on their promise—there was no White Home science honest in 2017. Or 2018. Or 2019. (And there certain as hell gained’t be one in 2020.) So, since we’ve no best-of footage from the final three years, take pleasure in this basic second from 2012, when the White Home was a real laboratory of democracy as an alternative of a darkish fortress of doom…
In the event that they ever make a type of sufficiently big to launch Cadet Bone Spurs, I name dibs on pulling the set off.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about as we speak?
In the present day’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“It’s value noting that Bangladesh is NOT Cheers and Jeers.”
—Secretary of State Mike Pompeo